Coming from different places
Discerning next steps can be challenging enough on your own, but discerning as a married couple is sometimes even harder. When it comes to an infertility journey, there are many big and small decisions and spouses aren’t always on the same page. One may be ready to go down the medical route for investigating root causes and treatments, while the other is not comfortable moving forward with something so invasive. One may feel strongly called to pursue adoption or foster care, while the other may feel deeply uncomfortable with the idea. Some may disagree with their spouse on whether or not to follow Catholic teaching regarding IVF. Working together to discern the next steps that align with our Catholic faith and meet the comfort levels and callings of both spouses can be a challenge. This resource will provide you with the tools for having constructive and holy conversations.
Creating your “couple’s discernment plan”
Pray
Pray both individually and as a couple. Ask the Holy Spirit to give you wisdom, insight and clarity about God’s will for you. Pray for the gifts of charity and understanding towards your spouse as you seek to support and love each other while seeking God’s will.
Know Church teaching
We are responsible for forming our own conscience and knowing what the Church teaches regarding moral and immoral approaches to dealing with infertility and growing our families. Take time to research this.
Reflect on where you personally feel called and comfortable
Take some time on your own to write down where you feel God calling you next. (If you need more guidance for this step, please see our resource “Discerning the next best step”.) Don’t overcomplicate it: if you feel strongly pulled towards adoption, write that down. If you can’t stomach the thought of another medical appointment or blood draw, make sure to jot down pausing or stopping medical treatment. Have your spouse take the time to do a similar reflection exercise. Your next step could be stopping something, pursuing something, or continuing what you’re currently doing.
Identify underlying desires
If you want to pursue NaPro treatments, your underlying desire might be becoming pregnant and having a biological child. If you want to pursue adoption, your underlying desire might be to be a parent and provide a loving home for a child. If you want to pause infertility treatments or take a break from pursuing adoption, the underlying desire may be to bring peace and stability to your mental health, marriage and home.
Share with your spouse
It’s important to take turns giving each other the floor. When it’s your turn to share, your spouse should let you speak without interruption; when you’re finished, they can ask clarifying questions. When it’s your spouse’s turn to share, it’s your job to listen without interrupting or interjecting with disagreements or trying to change their mind, saving clarifying questions for when they have finished sharing. Make sure you each share what your underlying desire is that drives the next step you would like to take. Even if your spouse suggests pursuing something counter to Church teaching, it is important to hear what their underlying desire is. For example, they may share that they want to pursue IVF because their underlying desire is to have a biological child. While IVF is not something you can agree to as a Catholic, it is very important to acknowledge and validate their beautiful desire to have a biological child with you.
Notice your feelings, identify and share underlying concerns
Once you’ve listened to each other, take a quiet step back to notice how you feel about what your spouse said. Are you excited, angry, anxious, defensive? Next, get curious about why you feel this way. For example, if your spouse brings up pursuing IVF and you feel anxious, this anxiety is likely coming from recognizing this would be an immoral action that you know you cannot take. Perhaps your spouse wants to pursue adoption and you feel anxious, and you realize the anxiety is coming from a fear of how you might manage that financially. Lovingly share your concerns with your spouse and lovingly listen to your spouse’s concerns. Make sure to validate each other’s concerns without being dismissive or defensive. Validate first before offering suggestions that address their concerns. This might sound like: “Yes, that’s a good point. Adoption can be very expensive. Being prudent with our finances is important to me too” or “Yes, I remember how taxing all of the bloodwork and scans were for you the last time. Whatever we do, I want to make sure you are mentally, physically and emotionally in a good place.”
Look for possibilities
After chatting together and putting all of your cards on the table, look together at what is possible. Look for opportunities that might meet both of your underlying desires, callings and comfort levels. Look for options that address concerns each of you hold. For example, if you want to pursue medical treatment but your spouse is concerned that it will bring a lot of tension and stress to the household, you might both feel comfortable with the option of pursuing 3 months of medical treatments followed by a 2- or 3-month break. If you want to pursue adoption but your spouse is not comfortable, perhaps they would be willing to attend an informational meeting or speak to a couple you know who has adoption experience and see if those concerns remain. Or perhaps you don’t agree on becoming full-time foster parents, but you would both be interested in providing respite to a foster family a few times a year, or your spouse would be willing to support you becoming a volunteer within the foster care system.. If your spouse wants to pursue IVF, an alternative you might consider is finding a NaPro doctor to walk you through medical treatments that are morally permissible as a Catholic.
Reconnect
Discernment conversations can be heavy and exhausting. Make sure to plan and take time for an activity that allows you to connect with each other without having to discuss or think about any of the items from your discernment discussion. Invest in each other and have fun together. This is crucial for the health of your marriage and for giving you the strength to continue in this journey together.
Ongoing conversation, prayer and discernment
Discerning as a couple is never a “one and done” exercise. Continue to pray separately and together. Continue to share your concerns and desires with each other. Make sure to frequently check in with each other to be sure that the path you agreed on together is still one they feel comfortable with and reassess as you go.
Links to assist you in the discernment process
Printable Worksheets
Click here to download your own printable “Discernment as a couple” worksheets, which include both an example page and a blank template for you to fill out with your own plan.
For further resources to help you along the infertility journey, check out our Resources Page.