My third surgery was a doozy. It was a laparotomy which awarded me a very painful c-section scar that took a very long time to heal. That meant weeks of more rest than I wanted, excruciating movements, and getting exhausted after walking even short distances. At times, it felt like the pain would last forever. It felt like I would never walk normally again or be able to shower by myself. But I knew that if I listened to my body and took care of it like it was asking me to, I would not only taste normalcy again but I would reap the benefits of improved health that my surgery and my patience promised.
I was confident that healing would come because I trusted my body. I held space for the process by respecting the inflammatory response, the formation of scabs to stop bleeding, reparation of damaged blood vessels, and regeneration of tissue. I accepted that my body had experienced a trauma and that things had to be different to be better.
This is not unlike the emotional healing process. However, the latter tends to be far more veiled and abstract, thus it is harder to recognize the path forward. We cannot see the deep wounds that something like infertility produces. There is no prescribed rest time that will surely accomplish healing, but the process of respecting the pain remains the same. Holding space for all the different thoughts and emotions that infertility digs up also holds space for a joy that is sure to resurface, and even strengthen.
I did not know this when I first started trudging through the dark and deep waters of failing at getting pregnant. I fought the authentic emotions lying underneath my anger and bitterness that were begging me to pay attention to them. I mistakenly decided that I deserved to be pregnant. I became laser focused on that singular goal at the expense of other gifts, relationships, and even my sanity at times. I pushed through excruciating movements until I learned that stopping, resting and sitting with my deepest pains to follow where genuine, holy curiosity would lead me was the only way to allow my wounds to heal and my joy to flourish.
This is where I planted my feet firmly into the rich soil of God’s mercy, love and wisdom - at first, reluctantly. From there, he guided me through a very unexpected journey toward healing which ultimately gave way to authentic joy. This doesn’t mean that authentic joy isn’t ever mixed with true sadness. God never promised a life free of suffering; only life through it when we choose to pick up our crosses and allow him to help carry the load. This is how we experience true joy regardless of how our story unfolds.
I wrote out my entire personal journey in a memoir I published several years ago called “Twelve Stripes Deep: How Infertility & Other Suffering Delivered My Greatest Joys.” Feedback revealed that it offered some much-needed solidarity by putting words to many thoughts and feelings that are unique to those who struggle with infertility. Now I am bringing you a new, shorter book that is quite different in structure, but I trust just as meaningful. In it, I share details of the nine concepts I encountered on my unexpected journey:
1. Agony
2. Isolation
3. Curiosity
4. Thoughts vs. Feelings
5. Infertility Is a Symptom
6. Pregnancy Not Required
7. Discover Yourself Fully Alive
8. Motherhood, Fruitfulness, and Openness to Life
9. Intimacy between Spouses
Each concept explanation is followed by original prayers written by myself or my favorite infertility organizations (including my friends here at The Fruitful Hollow!), song suggestions that fit each unique section, and carefully-curated journal prompts. This book does not promise healing, but promises to join you on your journey as a trusted companion who has been there, too. Each concept revealed is intended to help you process new thoughts, identify personal pain points, and make the process your own.
“Whether you’re new to the experience of infertility or have been suffering for a while now, whether that infertility is primary or secondary, or you’ve suffered through miscarriage, I want you to know that you are welcome here. No matter where your heart is — experiencing shame or regret, or feeling worthless, judged, overwhelmed, broken, bitter, confused, tired, disappointed, invisible, angry, bitter, or all of the above — you are not alone. And you are safe here…”
“...Healing and discovering yourself fully alive doesn’t happen overnight, so the more willingly you enter into this as a marathon, even a lifelong journey, and not a sprint, the more you’ll get out of it. Sit with whatever stirs your heart — both the joys and the deep aches — for as long as you need. There is no time limit to your quest, no expectation that you will arrive at any conclusion quickly, or even at all. There is no prescribed routine.
It’s just you and Christ, and he isn’t going anywhere.”
Holding Space for Joy: A Prayer Companion for Women Struggling with Infertility is available now at the OSV Bookstore and on Amazon.
