When my twins were born, I was elated. I finally had children in my arms! After losing four children, it was a welcome development on my journey. I also knew that this would be the end of the road. My mental health had taken a nosedive during my time trying to conceive. On top of that, I had losses to grieve. God made it clear to me both during and after my pregnancy that my family was complete. Discernment of this took some time and is a subject for another blog post.
Let’s discuss what happens after your journey to conceive ends. It may end with your full consent after a period of discernment and prayer. It may end abruptly after a medical procedure. It may end with children, either a full-term pregnancy or a finalized adoption, or it may end without children. In all these cases, there is healing that must take place. Even if you are at peace with your decision, there are wounds which have accumulated throughout the time spent trying to conceive. Here are practical steps one can take to heal from trauma caused by infertility.
Pray, pray, pray!
Keep a firm prayer life. Personally, I struggle with this one the most. I think it comes from a warped view of God “inflicting” infertility and miscarriages on me. We know that God does not inflict any of this on us, and it is through his permissive will that these events take place. If you’re struggling to set aside prayer time each day, find a prayer that attracts you and commit to it at a certain time each day. My personal favorite is the rosary. Others may include Liturgy of the Hours, Lectio Divina, or the Examen.
Find a good therapist
This can be scary; it’s difficult to go back and visit ideas and events that broke us. But these ideas and events will continue to haunt us should we not face them, process them and let them go. A good therapist will be able to help you accomplish these things. It’s also important to note that finding a good therapist may take time; don’t be afraid to try a new therapist if you are not making progress. The process of finding and establishing with a therapist can be exhausting, but it’s more tiring to carry around things that do not serve us.
Find something you enjoy doing and make time for it
As a Fruitful Hollow Sister of Hannah, I share this on every call with women still in the throes of the infertility journey: find something that brings you life and do it. This is usually a craft or something else creative. Creativity enters us into special relationship with God. God, the creator, equals creativity! We enter into his very heart when we create, no matter the medium. If you don’t have a creative outlet, today might be the time to figure out what you’d like to learn!
Turn toward others
Though there are many of us with infertility, the enemy lies to us and says that we are all alone. Nothing could be further from the truth! We are made for each other. The Christian life calls us to walk together in our greatest triumphs and in our greatest sorrows. Ask how you can be present for others. Maybe that looks like volunteering for the local food pantry, for example, or doing acts of kindness for those you encounter in your daily life. Stay connected at church through a ministry or Bible study. Join an organization that interests you. Don’t isolate yourself.
If you’ve discerned this is the end of your trying-to-conceive journey, do not despair. If your family size is smaller than desired, please know God has a full, abundant life for you ahead, whether or not that includes children. God knows you, sees you, and loves you. Let us run into his comforting arms and give our deepest pain to him. He will use it as a force for greater good in the world.
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