Tell us a bit about the journey that led you to IVF.
A late bloomer, I was 43 when we started trying to conceive. I consider myself smart, educated and a woman of the world. Somehow I missed the memo that for women over 40 it was statistically very difficult to get pregnant. My OBGYN did the honors of breaking the news to me, which I totally dismissed (I mean… didn’t she know who I was? I always make things happen!) She did some preliminary blood tests and told me that my ovarian reserve was above normal for my age (see, I told you!) and then she told me that if I was unable to achieve pregnancy within 6 months to come back to her.
As you can imagine, our sex life turned into a sterile and loveless science experiment. Still, no missed periods so back to the doctor I went, now 44 years old. She suggested that we embark on testing my husband’s semen and later she broke more news to us: my husband’s semen had zero sperm. We checked multiple times to see if it was a lab error – it was not. My doctor made it clear that we had no time to waste and that achieving a normal pregnancy was impossible, so she layed out our options: IVF with my old eggs and his testicular harvested sperm, IUI with donor sperm, IVF with donor egg and/or donor sperm, embryo adoption, or adoption. What had started as a seemingly casual and loving “If it is God’s will, we’ll get pregnant!” had quickly morphed into an angry and entitled “Getting pregnant is my birthright, dammit!”
I needed to clear the decks to take the lead in rapidly exploring all options. I was the main breadwinner and self-employed, and I gave notice to my clients that I was taking an indefinite sabbatical. After burning the midnight oil for weeks, I did a plethora of research including exploratory in-person appointments with male infertility IVF doctors, experts, clinics and agencies across four states and documented everything on spreadsheets. I also spoke in private with a very few selected trusted friends. My husband and I weighed the emotional factors, the financial factors, and the odds-to-achieve-the-goal factors.
It seemed clear that going through IVF and ICSI using our DNA was where we needed to focus all of our time and money and attention. Even though our doctors gave us only a 5% chance of giving birth to a live baby with one round of IVF, I felt that if we did not try, I just knew that I would be on my deathbed regretting and always wondering and thus, I would die feeling sorry for myself. Plus, I was so sure that we were going to beat the odds. I wasn’t interested in adoption, as I wanted to experience pregnancy and I was convinced that we would be mediocre parents if our kids were not of our DNA. I clearly had tunnel vision and I only wanted it this way. And I was willing to do WHATEVER it took to achieve our goal. Truth, beauty and goodness were nowhere to be found as we went down the IVF path.
Did you know the Catholic Church’s teachings regarding IVF before you began the process? If so, can you share how you felt about the teachings at that point?
All I really knew was what I read on the crowdsourced (read: unreliable) wikipedia page detailing the first “test Tube baby” born in 1978 which had a section called “religious issues.” I read this one sentence very carefully: “In 1978, when asked for his reaction to Brown's birth, the patriarch of Venice, Cardinal Albino Luciani (later Pope John Paul I), expressed concerns about the possibility that artificial insemination could lead to women being used as "baby factories", but also refused to condemn the parents of the child, noting they simply wanted to have a baby.” I was NOT being used as a baby factory! I just simply WANTED TO HAVE A BABY, just like the Pope said. Therefore, I had this Pope’s blessing! I was convinced that this Pope agreed with me!
And as I was going through this upheaval, outside of the Church (which was where all of my social circles were) IVF had become so mainstream and acceptable. I knew of numerous friends who had pursued IVF and were grateful for this modern miracle to create their family. Furthermore, #IVF, #IVFjourney, #infertility, #IVFsuccess and so on had become so popular on Instagram and even though they were not people I knew in real life, by watching these beautiful and upstanding women’s stories unfold, it helped me set aside any moral doubt that might have crept in. I believed that IVF was something that was good, true and beautiful.
What was the IVF process like for you?
In a nutshell, I was completely obsessed but I tried to act like I had it all together. It was the most stressful thing I have ever done, and it was by choice. It was extremely challenging for my marriage. It was extremely hard on my body. It was confusing for my family of origin. It wrecked my business momentum. It drained our savings. Looking back, it all felt completely unnatural. Alas, because of my emotional state and the pressure of my ticking biological clock, I told myself that it seemingly “felt right” because (at the time) it felt like “this was what God was calling me to do.” I know today that it was not God: it was self-will running riot on top of a plethora of misunderstandings about the true, the good and the beautiful.
Were there any personal lines or boundaries that you crossed in the midst of your IVF process?
Yes, I made commitments to myself when I started the process and I am not proud to admit that I broke them all.
Firstly, I did strongly desire the idea of fertilizing only one egg. However I told myself that we probably wouldn't have any extra embryos (because our odds were so low) and we wanted multiple kids together. Plus, due to my age I didn’t have a lot of time to be giving birth to babies and raising kids, so time was of the essence. Also, the hook of the economics of scale got me: it’s cheaper to fertilize multiple eggs all at the same time than to go back again and again.
Secondly, I vowed to myself to donate any leftover embryos to be “adopted” and used for others who were unable to conceive – however once I got into the actual paperwork, the cost on our end was obscene, and we were already financially pinched so I abandoned that idea.
Finally, the most painful commitment that I broke to myself was this one. I was deeply convicted in my mind and soul NOT to allow any pre-implantation embryo testing. This is where the lab takes a biopsy of your embryos before they are frozen, sends them to a testing lab, and then 2 weeks later they tell you if the embryo is going to give you a "viable" baby or not, based on their chromosomal analysis – you could also find out the baby’s sex as the result of this test. This is a mere five days after conception. (Crazy, huh? And people question when life begins!) When we got into the actual day when conception occurred and the embryos were showing to be alive, it was suggested by my doctor to freeze our embryo before implantation so we could get my body and uterus prepared for best odds of successful implantation. The secret lies I told myself were “they are freezing it anyway” and “what is another $5K anyway?” and “this has all been so stressful for me, I cannot add on more stress if this isn’t going to work so I may as well know going in” and “I am at high risk for a child with defects, and my husband is concerned about that so this is for his sake”.
Were your round(s) of IVF successful?
Successful, in the sense that four beautiful human lives were created. Unsuccessful in the sense that no babies were born. Three of our babies died before they could be implanted. One baby – a little girl – lived long enough to be implanted but was never given the chance because genetic tests deemed her “unviable”, which meant that the doctors would not implant her. Instead, she was destroyed.
What do you wish more people understood about IVF?
It wasn’t until I was waiting to hear from the doctors about our “success” that it started to unravel for me how deeply wrong this process is. At first, it was a deep gut feeling, but the further I distanced myself from it, the more clearly I could see my poor choices based on selfishness. I could also more clearly see the massive business opportunity in the Assisted Reproductive Technologies sector. From the fancy spa-like clinics with the most amazing patient care you’ll experience in healthcare, as you need top dollars to even consider this option, down to the marketing around it which spins IVF as a "good thing" to help people out. The process is actually about playing the odds to create as many babies (embryos) as possible so the doctors’ live birth odds stay high and that keeps their clinic looking good. The clinical nature of calling them embryos instead of babies to make us feel more at ease with the process, amongst other things, is just wrong. Yes, God is the ultimate creator to allow conception or not, but playing these odds with human life is an attempt by humans to play God.
Did you experience anything during the IVF process that helped you to better understand the Church's stance on IVF?
A few months post IVF, a heaviness weighed on me and the realization that I was wrong in my decision to pursue IVF was unbearable. The sadness I had previously experienced about my inability to achieve my goal of getting pregnant and growing our family with our DNA was miniscule compared to the grief I was now experiencing. I felt such deep guilt for choosing to be so selfish and killing innocent life, and I felt completely stuck in my life, questioning my purpose and why I was even here on earth. It was definitely my rock bottom. I went to my priest to share everything and hold nothing back. He suggested that I attend a “Rachel’s Vineyard” retreat to find healing from abortion (https://www.rachelsvineyard.org/). Thank God that he suggested this retreat and that I took action. Admittedly, I felt a bit awkward asking the facilitators if I could join the retreat for healing as my case was not your traditional abortion story, but I am grateful that they accepted me, as Rachel’s Vineyard saved my marriage and my life.
Another huge miracle happened throughout our infertility struggle and my deeper understanding and acceptance of the Church’s stance on IVF. As a result of this very challenging time in our lives, our relationship is stronger than ever! For this, there were three main reasons. Firstly, to navigate through the pain, I was slingshotted into studying and receiving the Word of God via sacred scripture and sacred tradition. Secondly, this led me to a deep desire to bring our marriage into the Church. We received the sacrament of matrimony which would have otherwise been “the darkest of times”. Instead of feeling lost and wallowing in self-pity, I could not wait to establish this covenant to unite our marriage with the Body of Christ and to continue to grow in virtue and holiness. Receiving this sacrament has been such an unbelievable supernatural gift. I now have a deep working knowledge and personal experience proving that society’s definition of contractual marriage will eventually fail, while sacramental marriage is built on a very firm foundation. What a gift from the Church! It is no wonder we made the choices we made prior to a deeper formation in the Faith. And the final cherry on top? My husband, who had previously considered himself “spiritual but not religious” was a close witness to the power of the sacraments and the power of Christ; he had a deep yearning to become Catholic, and recently received full communion into the Church via RCIA!
What advice would you offer to someone who may be considering the IVF process?
All I can do is share my experience. From my IVF experience, it is uber-clear to me that just because science has created something, this does not mean that it is true, good, or beautiful. I have also come to understand that getting pregnant and having biological children is a bonus to a sacramental marriage, not the other way around. My priority is on my beloved husband and helping each other on the path to sainthood.
What emotions have you experienced since your IVF journey?
All of them! Greed, lust, envy, sloth, wrath, gluttony, pride, love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness and self-control.
Looking back on your IVF experience, what advice would you give to your past self?
Past self, I know that you won’t listen to me, but here is a seed of wisdom to plant in your quickly-moving brain. In your search for the meaning of life, the only two questions you must keep asking and seeking answers to are these. Where did I come from? Where am I going/what am I made for? Once you know these things, you will have the answers to all of the questions that trouble you! (Hat tip, Pope St John Paul II!)
What is the greatest peace, healing or grace that you’ve received since your IVF experience?
As the result of this cross of infertility and healing from my admission of sin, I have undoubtedly had a change of heart through God's mercy and forgiveness. My heart has been on fire for the Lord since this awareness and healing. My understanding and love of the Church, Jesus Christ, my husband and the sacrament of matrimony continues to grow. I am in love with being a Catholic woman! It is a miracle!
Is there anything else that you would like our readers to know about IVF?
As you read my story, it would be easy to say “Hey, this couple was not able to achieve pregnancy and a live birth, so they’re wounded. This is why they’re indignant and feeling holier than thou and maybe jealous of others who have success with IVF!” I feel ya. That’s what I thought too when reading some “unsuccessful” IVF testimonies before doing IVF. If I’m honest with myself, I have wondered whether, if we had achieved a live birth, I would be answering these questions in this way. But my answers still stand. My reasons for pursuing IVF were all disordered (stemming from poor formation in the faith) and even if we had the outcome we wanted (if I had given birth to a baby), the way I was approaching life would have affected our child, our marriage and our family, ultimately creating a domino effect of other problems.
In closing, in addition to the content here on The Fruitful Hollow, here are some great resources to read and ponder as you or your loved ones are suffering with infertility and the thought of IVF has merely crossed your mind.
“What the IVF” - Mary G Bruno via personal blog (published October 2020)
“Anything Goes” - Catholic World Report (published Nov 2011)
“What became of 20 babies Paris Hilton left behind?” Fox News (published March 2023)
“A New Last Chance” - The Cut (published September 2017)
“ReproTechTruths.Org” - Website of a non-profit organization that publishes medical and financial data regarding ART and showcases personal IVF stories - ones that you wouldn't find trending on Instagram.