(Trigger warning: recurrent miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy.)
“For the Son of Man came to seek out and to save the lost” (Luke 19:10)
Infertility
For much of my life, the feeling of being lost and missing out has plagued me. My late teens and early 20s were filled with depression, drugs, alcohol and isolation. By my late 20s and early 30s, I was fearful that I might have missed the boat and would never find a partner. The feeling of loneliness, despair, and the thought of a future without a family haunted me for years. Thanks be to God that I did finally meet my beautiful wife and for a while it looked like my purpose was finally coming together.
At first, when the monthly pregnancy tests were negative, we weren’t worried. I'm four years older than my wife and we had time. We moved into a two-story house, adopted a dog and continued to work on our careers. As months turned into years, we started to realise something wasn’t right. So then came the doctor visits and my wife’s diagnoses: PCOS, heavy menstrual periods, and endometriosis - but there were options.
As I began to research these options, many were very expensive and in opposition to our Catholic faith. Another form of isolation started to occur. I was told by almost everyone that the Church’s regulations on infertility were outdated, archaic even. Why wouldn’t you want to do everything in your power to create a new life? But I had questions. What happens to all the fertilized eggs they use for IVF? You’re telling me it costs $30,000 for a 20% chance of a live birth? What if IVF works but then something is going wrong early in the pregnancy, is abortion the right option? I knew in my heart the answers to these questions, and I could not violate my conscience no matter the results nor anyone else’s opinion. So, I prayed, and we utilized the many pro-Catholic options.
Adoption
We signed up for an adoption through a private Catholic company. We also began the certification to become foster parents so we could foster to adopt. I never knew how difficult it is to adopt a child until I began this process.
A child in the system looked to be a good fit for our family. We interviewed three times with the social workers, and it was down to us and another couple. Ultimately, they chose the other family because they ascertained that we lacked experience and lived too far away from the birth mother. What? OK… We were heartbroken but trudged forward. Again, we ended up interviewing for another kid. And again, we were denied. This time because they already had the foster family in mind, and we were used just to complete the process of interviewing enough families. OK… Again, we interviewed for another child, and again we were denied because a family member came forward during the process. By this time, my wife was emotionally spent, and it was time to take a break from this avenue.
Successful failure
“I’m pregnant!” No more beautiful words were ever spoken by my wife! We were excited to say the least! We had found out the reason why she wasn’t ovulating and found some drugs that worked in stimulating that function. Yes! A month went by, and everything was looking great. Then it happened: blood. A little, then a lot. The miscarriage was agonizing. We were devastated. But we knew we had cracked the code and had a better chance of conceiving moving forward.
Within a month she was pregnant again. Twins this time and we were cautiously optimistic. The first scan went well, but by the second, the heartbeats were non-existent. A month later, we lost our twins.
We waited a year before trying again. The mental and physical toll, especially on my wife, was enormous. She finally got to the point of trying again and she began taking the ovulation drugs. One morning she woke up in a tremendous amount of pain. We called the doctor and they recommended taking a pregnancy test. We did and to our surprise she was pregnant. But the amount of pain she was experiencing was worrying and we rushed off to the OBGYN. Once they did an ultrasound, an ectopic pregnancy was discovered and after an operation we left the hospital even more depressed and deflated.
That was the last straw for my wife, and I don’t blame her. The PCOS and endometriosis were causing extremely heavy periods resulting in iron deficiency anemia. She could barely move for three weeks of every month. After trying many different medications and lifestyle changes, it was apparent that the only solution was a hysterectomy. We held off for as long as we could, hoping and praying we could bring a baby into this world, but after the ectopic pregnancy and our age, we had come to the end of the road on our fertility journey.
The future
Following the hysterectomy, my wife's health is much better, for which we are grateful. However, we are extremely sad that we remain a childless couple. She would have been a wonderful mother. My wife is a very nurturing and loving person. She teaches 5th grade and loves being a teacher and mentoring many different children. Maybe that is what God is calling her to become: a better teacher who can help many kids, without the responsibilities of her own children so she can focus more on them.
The future is still uncertain. Do we dip back into the fostering option? We are still on the private adoption list; will something materialize there? Or is God calling us in a different direction?
Lost
The same feeling I have had many times throughout my life is here again. I’m lost. It is extremely hard to watch other families live a seemingly happy life full of kids, school, sporting events and family vacations. Jealousy and envy are always closeby along with anger and confusion. Why? Why were we not able to partake in the ultimate fruit of marriage? The Church preaches to be fruitful and multiply and encourages families to always be open to bringing new life into the world. But what about us? Where do we fit in? Many days it feels like nowhere.
Thinking about the future can be scary. When one of us dies who will take care of the other? Not that it always works out that the kids take care of the parents but at the very least they usually have them to talk to and visit occasionally. And other people’s well-meaning advice really doesn’t help at all. If I had a dollar for every time I’ve heard “you don’t need kids to be happy”, coming from a person whose whole life seemingly revolves around their kids, I’d have retired by now. Or “you can just become more involved with other people’s kids”. That is a wonderful idea, and we do try to do this, but to act like this can fill the void is ignorant.
To seek and save the lost
I’m not sure what the future holds, but I know the only thing that will bring us ultimate joy in life is God. As I look around at society, I notice everyone’s situation is different with different struggles. How about the people that are never lucky enough to find their spouse, or the little children I see at St. Jude hospital that live most of their childhood battling horrible diseases. I am blessed! It is comforting to me, and everyone else lost and struggling in this life, that the “Son of Man came to seek and save the lost”. Thank you, Jesus, you are the way, the truth, and the life and I have faith you will find this sometimes-lost sheep. In fact, maybe You have been here all along directing this confusing, wondering, and sometimes lonely path-ultimately for Your greater purpose!